She is…

I am the mother of a nine year old little girl.

Tonight  she just lapped me intellectually.

Instead of telling me she was afraid or worried about having nightmares, she tells me,” if you have a bad dream or are afraid, just think of how much I love you and it will all go away.”

My girl.. she is amazing.

Tried

In our house as the children have been growing I would find myself so frustrated with hearing the word CAN’T.

It became to a point that I made the executive decision. Noone is allowed to say CAN’T in our house ever again. I want you to TRY. I want sentences to sound like this “I am TRYING to tie my shoes, I need help.”

Having said that….My son went into MCRD on Sept. 8th, and is coming home. He is bi polar. He hasn’t been on any medication since he turned 18. Bootcamp was just too much. He TRIED though. He gave it his best attempt.. but his illness got in the way. When he is 45 he will be able to say I tried.

As badly as I feel for him right now, because I know he feels bad. I am proud of him. I am so proud of my son. He could have taken the easy way, and never even considered the military because of his illness. He didn’t though. He took it as a challenge to get through his 13 weeks of training. Well, he only got through one week. Which is more than anyone of his friends,or hell anyone of my friends could say.

There is a lesson in here somewhere.. when I find the right words to convey what it means. I’ll jot them down. Until then.. I’m still a proud mom who has a great kid. I have two great kids actually. One just happens to have a diagnosis.. and the other.. doesn’t know the world any other way.

Blow your hair back..

Well.. this may go against all my religion teaches however…

Its on my mind and I’m pretty worked up over it. I don’t want to stew on it and I’d rather get it down…

 

I do not believe that my salvation is based on praying the rosary for nine days, Attending Divine Mercy for nine days or any other thing on that order.  I do not believe that my salvation is based on being awed by the stories of the martyrs and saints. Hanging around waiting for God to pull you out of some really dangerous situation that you have found yourself in, through no fault of your own I might add, and not leaving when the opportunity presented itself is just FUCKING STUPID!!! How is that awe inspiring??? I mean seriously, OBVIOUSLY God doesn’t just pluck people out of those types of situations.. I mean if I were to average the savings from the dyings.. I’d say more people died. Period. Does that make me a bad Catholic.. no. I just think I should be more concerned with the type of person I am RIGHT NOW, as opposed to the type of person I should be like. (imitateing martyrs and saints = death to me) I don’t think they were so brave or wonderful or even really smart. I don’t think they had more faith just because they got caught in a really shitty situation.

I think  a person who wakes up everyday of their shitty life and finds one good thing in it is braver.. cause sometimes its a lot easier to just see ALL the shitty things and never find one good thing. Ever. It would be easier still as I have witnesed for a lot of people to just check out on their own. Be it through too much drink.. too much drug.. or too much whatever. Or just check the fuck out literally.

living the life you have.. finding Grace in the moments.. renewing your soul in the glimpses of God. That is a lot braver smarter whatever….

I live my life working out my salvation in fear and trembling, with hopeful confidence-but not with false assurance-working always toward my redemption.

All for nothing…

I have had so many various things happening all at once.. and just feeling overwhelmed ninety nine percent of the time.

I’m starting to come together in my mind.

My husband came through the surgery fine.. so far. It’s only been four weeks today since his surgery. I haven’t seen him. He’s far far away. I have to take the word of everyone around him that he is doing well. It’s going to take time. I’m too impatient. I want him here now.

I’ve been doing really well.. until this morning when my brother in law (who has been staying here because of work) “borrowed” some of my husbands aftershave before he went to work. He came out of the bathroom and it was all I could do not to break down and bawl like a baby right in front of him. That would have seriously freaked him out like you wouldn’t believe. He would not have known how to handle that at all.

I waited until he pulled away before I lost my shit. It was pretty pathetic.

School is starting up for the kidlet. She is very excited. I’m ready to get back onto some sort of schedule. I think it will help me a lot to have a set routine again. I kinda got shot to fuck when my husband flew out for his surgery. It happens.

but hey.. my house is sparkling clean! okay.. well it’s always clean..

and sad confession.. I started smoking again. Choices you know.. become a sad pathetic drunk on whiskey and coke.. or smoke. Neither is a good choice. I KNOW THAT… I suck I KNOW THAT..whatever.. its a bump and I’ll just quit again. I’m good at that apparently.. quitting. I just haven’t ever been able to stay quit for more than a few years. Then something horrid happens and my stress level gets over the top.. INSIGHT moment here.. I’m so blonde (yes I was born blonde).. I quit no problem.. when I pick it back up is when I don’t have the support of my husband!! I could go into detail.. but lets just say bad shit happens and he withdraws and Im left to handle the trauma on my own.. sooo.. me and the marlboro boys hang out until I get my shit together and I leave them behind until the next trauma pops up. SEE.. that’s why I DON’T do hard drugs.. I would so be in a bad way right now!..

rambled enough for now.

I’m off to burn one..

tithing

I know there are some who won’t agree with this. We are divided in my own household about this issue.

See, I feel like if I tithe it’s between me and God. I don’t use the envelopes, I don’t want an account of what I gave so I can get a kick back from the government on my taxes. Even if I contributed a million dollars a year. If I am giving that much to my church, it is because I feel in my heart that is the right thing to do. Not the available tax break that comes with it.

It seems however, my daughters parochial school and our parish feel differently about this. IF you have not contributed to the parish in the amount of 500.00 or more, the tuition for your child to attend the school will increase by 550.00 . That just seems wrong. I understand there are families who DO NOT attend church yet send their child to our school. The contribute only in tuition and nothing towards the parish. I get that. It’s just I’m a little irritated, I have to compromise my beliefs to accommodate those who are looking to cheat the system.

It is the same as listing your child home address as 123 main so they can attend a certain school district. When they actually live in  a less desirable district. It’s lying and cheating and just because “EVERYBODY DOES IT” doesn’t make it right.

which brings me to another point. I am sick to death of.. “everybody does it, what are you so upset about?” Hmm.. the fact it’s morally or legally wrong, yet society deems it okay just because.. everybody is doing it.

See my frustration. I am not in the position to just pony up the extra dough because I want to stand by my convictions. Yet, I am at a loss as to how reconcile myself with this. It bothers me that much.

My world quit being color along time ago.. about the time I found there is no easter bunny, tooth fairy, santa claus, parents  lie, and adults  don’t always have the best interest of the children at the fore front of their mind.

I don’t handle grey well either… I’m pretty black and white..

APOSTASY

I’m angry.. no I’m not I’m FUCKING PISSED>

really really pissed. I want to scream and yell and hit something. HARD.

My friend decided to leave THE ONE TRUE CHURCH FOUNDED BY CHRIST to join the BAPTIST!!!!!! THE FUCKING BAPTISTS!!! The freaking catholic hatenist group of people I have EVER had the displeasure to encounter in my ENTIRE life. Her reason? Because you know, she wants her baby raised in a CHRISTIAN church. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I wanted to
let you know that I have done a lot thinking about
this and it is my decision to do so. I have decided to
be Baptized at XXXXXXXXXXXX Baptist church. There are
many reasons why but the main reason is that I really
enjoy going to church and I take away so much from
Pastor XXXX.  I had not been attending church in quit
a while and I actually look forward to Sunday. One
person that I talked to about this said something that
made me feel good was that yes I have been Catholic my
whole life and nobody is taking that away, just adding
to it. I do not want to be in a split religion home
and I feel most importantly I want Ryleah to grow up
in the Christan faith, I want her to have God in her
life. I know you have different feeling about this but
it is what I want to do and I hope you can understand!

The only thing I can do.. because truly she is an ignorant person.. not stupid there is a difference.. is pray for her soul until the day I die. I can’t change it, I can’t fix it, there if NOTHING I can fucking do. I am so Pissed.. did I say that already????

So while she is busy cozying up with all that hates OUR faith.. I will have to bite my mother fucking tongue.. yeah and guess the fuck what. If you even think your going to quote your catholic hating baptist bullshit to me hear. Go on back to your MAN instituted church. While tomorrow I will be attending the CHRIST instituted church. THE religion that CHRIST started. I use bad language.. you betcha. Cause guess what.. sometimes all the words that I have available to me to articulate the meaning that I want. VANISH. Sometimes saying the F word conveys all I feel and mean. I am an emotional person. I FEEL deeply.. it’s how I’m made. I am a communicative person.. I have to get it out. and sometimes.. just sometimes.. my feelings and my communication skills are too bogged down to use the words of my education.

the thing that makes me the angriest.. I was in the church when she made her confirmation. Promising God and all who were present that she would defend her faith. What was that about???? okay.. she was 15.. she promised!!!! She is the God Parent to a number of CATHOLIC children. What about that promise????

now I’m just getting more upset and I thought this would help to get it down.. I need to go doing something else.. grrr

place holder

just thoughts i need to gather.. wool gathering my grandmother used to call it.. just wool gathering..

children in communion dresses that look like little hoochies

children who are beautiful with personalities that are so ugly.. you lose the beauty of the child. Parents that match.. to a t.

obligations to….. and time for myself????? puh. never.

placing my child.. where? Karate.. dance.. piano… she likes doing all of these.. but loves none….

health-care for the health-care less?

frustration and aggravation and and and and and and…….okay.. running to catch myself as I pass myself in the hall….

Since you’ve been gone…

Wow.. when I let time get away from me, I can really neglect some things. This being one of them.

hmm. What have I learned in the past ten days.

I’ve learned I’m a shit. (although that isn’t new information) I’ve learned I have the capacity to forgive people of some pretty horrendous things. Yet, I don’t have to. (isn’t that an awesome revelation) I’ve learned even though you are honest and forthright with your information, completely sincere, someone is going to think you are trying to get over on them.

I’ve learned I hate job interviews. Particularly the interviews that are filled with questions you can’t answer honestly. (what are your five year goals. Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty. When have you put yourself out there to go the extra mile.) If I were to answer the questions with the HONEST answer. It wouldn’t be believed. Like the question about missing work in the past twelve months of employment. I didn’t. I am not one who calls out from work. It’s not believed. The above questions. I do that every day. If I were to say that, again.. not believed.  Are there so many people who are just lazy, that when they interviewer encounters someone who is honest, they don’t know how to react?

I’ve learned my insurance company hires stupid people. Seriously. I know everyone hates the insurance companies. Blah blah blah. I actually understand how they operate. ( I give them 18 bucks a month, they will rebuild my house if I have a fire. To the dimension it was. ) The catch with insurance is this. The company is hoping you will never use them. Especially if you have a high deductible.  Because most people don’t have that kind of cash laying around to cover the deductible for a loss. My husband and I… we aren’t most people. We own our home out right. So.. with no mortgage. More cash. I digress.. a little…

The adjuster who answered the phone on the initial claim tried to settle the whole thing site unseen over the phone. I could have been lying through my teeth. Didn’t matter. He cut me a check and sent it on it’s way. Well, that’s fine and dandy as far as he’s concerned. My end.. I had estimates and contractors and numbers to crunch… the original adjuster. Let’s just say he’s eating an ass sandwich… after I served it up to him on a platter.

I’ve learned something else these past ten days.  Show gratitude. Sincerely. Don’t complain. Just work harder. I’ve learned that there are three steps to an apology. 1. I’m sorry (be sincere for once) 2. Admit fault. Don’t take it back by blaming others. Leave it plane and simple. It was all my fault. 3. Make it right. How can I fix it? That third bit. The fixing part.. that’s when you have true compassion for what ever it is that you have done. You want to try and un do it.  I’ve also learned to be patient. That if you wait long enough, people will show their good side. That bit, is so true.

I’ve been places where I have patiently waited my turn. Dentist, mechanic, etc.. the staff was so polite to me, offering me things. Making small talk. Smiling. Those who were being total assholes.. got the ugly face. No special treatment.. and didn’t shorten the wait time by one single second.

I’ve learned I have to choose between being someone who is in a good mood or someone who is a downer all.the.time. I’m trying my damned hardest to be a good mood person. It’s a lot easier to be pissed off all the time. It’s a lot harder to smile.

So. I’m smiling a lot more.. fake it til you make it. There is a helluva lot to laugh about these days. Just look at people!……

I found it!

I recently borrowed a book from the library that in the last oh, two hours.. has already helped me in Lenten Journey. It’s called the Cloister Walk and it’s written by Kathleen Norris. It’s good. I’m not usually into this kind of writing.. but the title called me.

Actually it’s the second to the last book I brought home. I actually brought home about twelve books this time. I’ve read all the other’s with the exception of a C.S. Lewis title..something about Joy..  I can’t remember the title really and am far to lazy to go into my bedroom about six steps away and get it.

I’m enjoying this one. I think it’s what I’ve been needing all along. Finally!!!

I know.. what a geek. But.. I’m not a cradle catholic. I wasn’t born into this. As it is.. I fall back into my heathen ways pretty easily.. so I need all the help I can get. I’m hanging onto Christ’s coat by a thread most days. Some days.. I’ve gotten a full handful and no worries.

Lately.. I’ve had a lot of thread days.

okay.. so.. back to my book.

Missing my tunes…

I was compiling some songs today for my own listening pleasure.. and didn’t realize until I was sitting here listening in total enjoyment how much I have missed it.

There was a time not so long ago that I had music going all the time. In the car, the kitchen the living room. Now, the only time I usually listen is when I’m in the car. I don’t know why I stopped…

I also found out something interesting today. Yearbooks take a LOOONG time to burn. Seriously, what the heck are those suckers made out of? Asbestos?? I mean really! It’s paper and pictures and ink. BURN! It took me about one hour to burn mine. Do you know how therapeutic that was?? It was like a major high.

You might think it strange that I choose to burn my yearbook. My high school year book. Yeah.. well.. until I turned 17 my life pretty much sucked ass right through a straw. Really. I have only come to the realization that I have systematically culled almost every aspect of that portion of my life. I have even moved to a portion of the country.. no one in my family has ever lived. Conscious choice? No I don’t think I did it with the information at the forefront of my mind. Burning that damn book was AWESOME! Seriously.

I’m considering culling more in the coming days. WHY would I save those things?? So my children can read them.. people they never knew. Who I no longer know? please. One funny entry “for my best friends sake.. tell jack to take a hike.” that was hilarious. it burnt with the rest of them.

I’m getting sick again. sigh…. not a cold or whatever. This is my two year illness that flares up and goes away. The doctors told me it was costichondritis. (that would be inflammation of the cartilage in my ribcage.) Highly unlikely. Puking diarrhea and sever abdominal pain probably have nothing to do with my ribs. That however is just a guess. I mean really, I could be wrong. After all.. I am not a doctor. I need to get all my test results together again to gear up for another round of pure bullshit. Fuck I hate the medical system.  (elton john tiny dancer just came on… man I forgot how much I liked that song… my husband recorded that song for me on one of the tapes he made me. )

Lent is sucking… I can’t find myself this year. I think I’m in my desert this year. Fuck I hate years like this. I need to snap the fuck out of it. This is my ten year anniversary of baptism. I’ll pull it together. I need to focus get my bearings regroup. I can….