Omen

I’m numb… I have a horrible feeling. Something bad is going to happen I just know it.

Since I last posted. It has been crazy ass crazy here in our house. My husband came back from his dr appt in another state. The weather has been bizarre..

He left today to have spinal fusion surgery in another state 1800 miles away. I can’t go with him.  Funds aren’t there for one. Two, we have animals that would have to be kenneled, three our daughter starts back to school next month and we need to prepare for that.

Maybe its because I can’t be there for his surgery on the 7th, that I have this bad feeling this time. A really really bad feeling. Something is going to go wrong. I can feel it in my heart. I’ve been praying that I’m just worried and nervous and he’ll come back to me.

Please God, bring him back to me.  Please.

 

tithing

I know there are some who won’t agree with this. We are divided in my own household about this issue.

See, I feel like if I tithe it’s between me and God. I don’t use the envelopes, I don’t want an account of what I gave so I can get a kick back from the government on my taxes. Even if I contributed a million dollars a year. If I am giving that much to my church, it is because I feel in my heart that is the right thing to do. Not the available tax break that comes with it.

It seems however, my daughters parochial school and our parish feel differently about this. IF you have not contributed to the parish in the amount of 500.00 or more, the tuition for your child to attend the school will increase by 550.00 . That just seems wrong. I understand there are families who DO NOT attend church yet send their child to our school. The contribute only in tuition and nothing towards the parish. I get that. It’s just I’m a little irritated, I have to compromise my beliefs to accommodate those who are looking to cheat the system.

It is the same as listing your child home address as 123 main so they can attend a certain school district. When they actually live in  a less desirable district. It’s lying and cheating and just because “EVERYBODY DOES IT” doesn’t make it right.

which brings me to another point. I am sick to death of.. “everybody does it, what are you so upset about?” Hmm.. the fact it’s morally or legally wrong, yet society deems it okay just because.. everybody is doing it.

See my frustration. I am not in the position to just pony up the extra dough because I want to stand by my convictions. Yet, I am at a loss as to how reconcile myself with this. It bothers me that much.

My world quit being color along time ago.. about the time I found there is no easter bunny, tooth fairy, santa claus, parents  lie, and adults  don’t always have the best interest of the children at the fore front of their mind.

I don’t handle grey well either… I’m pretty black and white..

No Voice.

So.. since none of the presidential candidates are who I would actually waste my vote on..I repeatedly hear from just about everyone. “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about it.”

Hey guess what.. YES I CAN!!!!

How many times have I had to sit and listen to democrats run down the republicans? Republicans they didn’t vote for.

And what about Felons? They lose the Right to vote.. yet they can run around and complain about the situation..

so I’m going to probably use my Right to vote.. to vote for my Grandson. See, I think it would be kinda cool, since there is no one I want to vote for.. to write in my Grandson’s name. Then forever in the history pages it will list his name as running for president. At least in our part of the country. I know it sounds like I’m making a joke out of the whole thing. Seriously, I kinda am. I just don’t believe in any of them.

I don’t believe one of the candidates will be able to produce any type of results for anything they promise. None of the elected officials ever do. They think they are going to sit in the big house and effect a serious change. For about five minutes they really do. Then.. it happens. This group wants this or that so this congressman won’t vote for something and that one has a grudge and this one an ax to grind.

I really think the way to solve the whole thing..clean out the whole house. The WHOLE house. All the legislatures, all the congressman (my god how long does Kennedy have to stay in congress??) all the senators all the aids and everyone who currently has a job in any capacity with any of them. Then..work your way down. Governors, and mayors and city council members. School Board leaders etc. Gone. You power hungry blind leaders. Who do we fill the positions with?? Glad you asked.

We fill these newly emptied spots with anyone who has NEVER run for office, has NEVER been an attorney or married to an attorney.Regular people who just happen to be smart about organization. Know how to handle money and are confident enough to say NO and be firm about it when necessary.

Our government is supposed to be of the people for the people by the people. Yet the people I see up in the big house.. don’t represent me. I just don’t see anyone who is like me or kinda like me or could be like me up there. I’m not even talking about the male female thing. I’m just talking about ideals and thoughts. None of them.

Even though I have voted for those I thought who held some of my thoughts and ideas.. I have been disappointed every time. From the upper level to the local level. The cardboard politician just doesn’t keep the words they spew as truth and fact. They have the power of spin like you wouldn’t believe. Well, maybe you would believe it. We all listen and roll our eyes and think “yeah right.” Just once I would like to hear a speech given and see the same results a few months later. What a freaking concept!

I’m not such a hard line republican, that I won’t vote for a democrat if they are the better person for the job. I like to vote for the better person.. not the party. However, here of late.. no one is good.

The other thing.. since I’m up on my high horse.. I’m am sick to DEATH of all the bullshit commercials. You’re a liar.. no you’re a liar.. no you are. ENOUGH already. man.. you all are liars!! Have apparently no conscience unless there is a camera in your face and could give to rats ass less about anything that is happening as long as you GET GEORGE BUSH OUT OF OFFICE. Guess what!!! He’s leaving office!!.. talk about beating a dead fucking horse. GAHHHHHHH!! and with all the finger pointing going on .. what else is not being taken care of?? Why just freaking EVERYTHING.

Okay off the top of my head.. things that should be addressed.

1) health care companies and the fee’s they charge (not free health care mind you.. just the exorbitant amount of money they are RAPING us for)

2) Pharmaceuticals (yeah.. those pills you take for everything.. you wanna know what the mark up on that stuff is?? I have some proprietary information that would CURL YOUR HAIR!) invest in drugs..seriously.

3)Gas.. isn’t my number one. I don’t look because I know I’m going to buy it anyway.. yet. when the big oil is making record amounts of profit.. scratchin head here..

4) GROCERIES.. I think folks are just taking advantage here. Alot of the food we have in our stores today was grown and processed two years ago!!! So.. why are we paying so much now for something that has nothing to do with today??? (FOUR BUCKS FOR MILK~~~~ that’s wrong!~ )

——————————————————————–

just another thing off the topic. My friend has not said anything to me about her new religious choice and I haven’t brought it up. I think this “friendship” is just going to run the natural course of tapering off to cards at christmas and then nothing more. I’m really not that sad.. or mad or hurt.. our lives are just so very different, even before the switch. It was hard for me to reconcile someone who was always about appearances and keeping up with the jones and the whole Sneetches mentality. We (my husband and I) are just really not that way. We had the big house and the big mortgage and the three cars and more more more.. we sold it gave it away or just left it behind. We don’t want that.. and can’t believe who we were when we were doing that.

I’m resolving to be here more.. help me keep my resolve.. I’m totally pavlovian on a lot of things. So.. comment and I’ll be sure to be back.. LOTS and LOTS!!

get out and do something free today.. it’s good for you!

APOSTASY

I’m angry.. no I’m not I’m FUCKING PISSED>

really really pissed. I want to scream and yell and hit something. HARD.

My friend decided to leave THE ONE TRUE CHURCH FOUNDED BY CHRIST to join the BAPTIST!!!!!! THE FUCKING BAPTISTS!!! The freaking catholic hatenist group of people I have EVER had the displeasure to encounter in my ENTIRE life. Her reason? Because you know, she wants her baby raised in a CHRISTIAN church. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I wanted to
let you know that I have done a lot thinking about
this and it is my decision to do so. I have decided to
be Baptized at XXXXXXXXXXXX Baptist church. There are
many reasons why but the main reason is that I really
enjoy going to church and I take away so much from
Pastor XXXX.  I had not been attending church in quit
a while and I actually look forward to Sunday. One
person that I talked to about this said something that
made me feel good was that yes I have been Catholic my
whole life and nobody is taking that away, just adding
to it. I do not want to be in a split religion home
and I feel most importantly I want Ryleah to grow up
in the Christan faith, I want her to have God in her
life. I know you have different feeling about this but
it is what I want to do and I hope you can understand!

The only thing I can do.. because truly she is an ignorant person.. not stupid there is a difference.. is pray for her soul until the day I die. I can’t change it, I can’t fix it, there if NOTHING I can fucking do. I am so Pissed.. did I say that already????

So while she is busy cozying up with all that hates OUR faith.. I will have to bite my mother fucking tongue.. yeah and guess the fuck what. If you even think your going to quote your catholic hating baptist bullshit to me hear. Go on back to your MAN instituted church. While tomorrow I will be attending the CHRIST instituted church. THE religion that CHRIST started. I use bad language.. you betcha. Cause guess what.. sometimes all the words that I have available to me to articulate the meaning that I want. VANISH. Sometimes saying the F word conveys all I feel and mean. I am an emotional person. I FEEL deeply.. it’s how I’m made. I am a communicative person.. I have to get it out. and sometimes.. just sometimes.. my feelings and my communication skills are too bogged down to use the words of my education.

the thing that makes me the angriest.. I was in the church when she made her confirmation. Promising God and all who were present that she would defend her faith. What was that about???? okay.. she was 15.. she promised!!!! She is the God Parent to a number of CATHOLIC children. What about that promise????

now I’m just getting more upset and I thought this would help to get it down.. I need to go doing something else.. grrr

place holder

just thoughts i need to gather.. wool gathering my grandmother used to call it.. just wool gathering..

children in communion dresses that look like little hoochies

children who are beautiful with personalities that are so ugly.. you lose the beauty of the child. Parents that match.. to a t.

obligations to….. and time for myself????? puh. never.

placing my child.. where? Karate.. dance.. piano… she likes doing all of these.. but loves none….

health-care for the health-care less?

frustration and aggravation and and and and and and…….okay.. running to catch myself as I pass myself in the hall….

Since you’ve been gone…

Wow.. when I let time get away from me, I can really neglect some things. This being one of them.

hmm. What have I learned in the past ten days.

I’ve learned I’m a shit. (although that isn’t new information) I’ve learned I have the capacity to forgive people of some pretty horrendous things. Yet, I don’t have to. (isn’t that an awesome revelation) I’ve learned even though you are honest and forthright with your information, completely sincere, someone is going to think you are trying to get over on them.

I’ve learned I hate job interviews. Particularly the interviews that are filled with questions you can’t answer honestly. (what are your five year goals. Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty. When have you put yourself out there to go the extra mile.) If I were to answer the questions with the HONEST answer. It wouldn’t be believed. Like the question about missing work in the past twelve months of employment. I didn’t. I am not one who calls out from work. It’s not believed. The above questions. I do that every day. If I were to say that, again.. not believed.  Are there so many people who are just lazy, that when they interviewer encounters someone who is honest, they don’t know how to react?

I’ve learned my insurance company hires stupid people. Seriously. I know everyone hates the insurance companies. Blah blah blah. I actually understand how they operate. ( I give them 18 bucks a month, they will rebuild my house if I have a fire. To the dimension it was. ) The catch with insurance is this. The company is hoping you will never use them. Especially if you have a high deductible.  Because most people don’t have that kind of cash laying around to cover the deductible for a loss. My husband and I… we aren’t most people. We own our home out right. So.. with no mortgage. More cash. I digress.. a little…

The adjuster who answered the phone on the initial claim tried to settle the whole thing site unseen over the phone. I could have been lying through my teeth. Didn’t matter. He cut me a check and sent it on it’s way. Well, that’s fine and dandy as far as he’s concerned. My end.. I had estimates and contractors and numbers to crunch… the original adjuster. Let’s just say he’s eating an ass sandwich… after I served it up to him on a platter.

I’ve learned something else these past ten days.  Show gratitude. Sincerely. Don’t complain. Just work harder. I’ve learned that there are three steps to an apology. 1. I’m sorry (be sincere for once) 2. Admit fault. Don’t take it back by blaming others. Leave it plane and simple. It was all my fault. 3. Make it right. How can I fix it? That third bit. The fixing part.. that’s when you have true compassion for what ever it is that you have done. You want to try and un do it.  I’ve also learned to be patient. That if you wait long enough, people will show their good side. That bit, is so true.

I’ve been places where I have patiently waited my turn. Dentist, mechanic, etc.. the staff was so polite to me, offering me things. Making small talk. Smiling. Those who were being total assholes.. got the ugly face. No special treatment.. and didn’t shorten the wait time by one single second.

I’ve learned I have to choose between being someone who is in a good mood or someone who is a downer all.the.time. I’m trying my damned hardest to be a good mood person. It’s a lot easier to be pissed off all the time. It’s a lot harder to smile.

So. I’m smiling a lot more.. fake it til you make it. There is a helluva lot to laugh about these days. Just look at people!……

I found it!

I recently borrowed a book from the library that in the last oh, two hours.. has already helped me in Lenten Journey. It’s called the Cloister Walk and it’s written by Kathleen Norris. It’s good. I’m not usually into this kind of writing.. but the title called me.

Actually it’s the second to the last book I brought home. I actually brought home about twelve books this time. I’ve read all the other’s with the exception of a C.S. Lewis title..something about Joy..  I can’t remember the title really and am far to lazy to go into my bedroom about six steps away and get it.

I’m enjoying this one. I think it’s what I’ve been needing all along. Finally!!!

I know.. what a geek. But.. I’m not a cradle catholic. I wasn’t born into this. As it is.. I fall back into my heathen ways pretty easily.. so I need all the help I can get. I’m hanging onto Christ’s coat by a thread most days. Some days.. I’ve gotten a full handful and no worries.

Lately.. I’ve had a lot of thread days.

okay.. so.. back to my book.

Missing my tunes…

I was compiling some songs today for my own listening pleasure.. and didn’t realize until I was sitting here listening in total enjoyment how much I have missed it.

There was a time not so long ago that I had music going all the time. In the car, the kitchen the living room. Now, the only time I usually listen is when I’m in the car. I don’t know why I stopped…

I also found out something interesting today. Yearbooks take a LOOONG time to burn. Seriously, what the heck are those suckers made out of? Asbestos?? I mean really! It’s paper and pictures and ink. BURN! It took me about one hour to burn mine. Do you know how therapeutic that was?? It was like a major high.

You might think it strange that I choose to burn my yearbook. My high school year book. Yeah.. well.. until I turned 17 my life pretty much sucked ass right through a straw. Really. I have only come to the realization that I have systematically culled almost every aspect of that portion of my life. I have even moved to a portion of the country.. no one in my family has ever lived. Conscious choice? No I don’t think I did it with the information at the forefront of my mind. Burning that damn book was AWESOME! Seriously.

I’m considering culling more in the coming days. WHY would I save those things?? So my children can read them.. people they never knew. Who I no longer know? please. One funny entry “for my best friends sake.. tell jack to take a hike.” that was hilarious. it burnt with the rest of them.

I’m getting sick again. sigh…. not a cold or whatever. This is my two year illness that flares up and goes away. The doctors told me it was costichondritis. (that would be inflammation of the cartilage in my ribcage.) Highly unlikely. Puking diarrhea and sever abdominal pain probably have nothing to do with my ribs. That however is just a guess. I mean really, I could be wrong. After all.. I am not a doctor. I need to get all my test results together again to gear up for another round of pure bullshit. Fuck I hate the medical system.  (elton john tiny dancer just came on… man I forgot how much I liked that song… my husband recorded that song for me on one of the tapes he made me. )

Lent is sucking… I can’t find myself this year. I think I’m in my desert this year. Fuck I hate years like this. I need to snap the fuck out of it. This is my ten year anniversary of baptism. I’ll pull it together. I need to focus get my bearings regroup. I can….

Beating the Odds…

We tell everyone we met in high school. Which is true. We did. He was a senior and I was a freshman. It sounds so sweet and tender doesn’t it? High school sweethearts. awww.

The real story of us is this….

It started in April I think. I know it was spring. Before graduation….

I was sitting over by the snack bar with a group of friends eating a hostess pie and drinking one of the crappy milks that are passed out at the schools. My husband walks up with his friend Jeff. Jeff and I took the same science class together, he was a junior I was a freshman. Anyway… Sitting there chatting away with my girlfriends when over comes Jeff with this guy I hadn’t really noticed before. Well, okay. Not that I was the all popular knowing everyone, around school kinda girl. I mean there were like two thousand kids at our high school. How was I supposed to know everyone?

Okay. back to the bench. Jeff and my husband come over, Jeff tells me his friends name, we talk for a few minutes. My husband grabs my milk and drinks from it. Now, if you knew my husband.. you would know how significant that gesture is. (He will not eat or drink after anyone. Not his children, not his wife, not his brother.. no one. It’s a germ thing.)  We talk a little more, bell rings and life goes on.

Fast forward a few days. Jeff and my husband approach me again at school. (brief history stop about Jeff. Jeff and I were friends. Good friends. He was my big brother buddy pal friend. He made me laugh and I enjoyed his company a lot. ) I can’t remember if it was in a note or a phone call from Jeff or what. But the gist of it is this, my husband had a girlfriend who he wanted to make jealous. It seems his girlfriend had gone away with the band to some over night thing, and she and one of the other band members had fooled around a bit.

So, in the typical male teenager mind, the best remedy is revenge. Or apparent revenge. Tit for tat. My job was this. I was supposed to pretend to be insanely in love with him. (which when you think about it now is hilarious, because we had NO classes together. Didn’t know the same people, and he dressed like someone out of a western while I was more preppy-mod) I agreed to this. Why? I was one of those “mean girls” in high school. Yes I was. I got into fights. I was full of myself and didn’t care who you were or where you were from.. I could take you down. Don’t talk shit about my friends family or anyone I might think I know. I was a total ass. I had no business getting in the middle of this, but I did.

Every chance I could, I would find my husband and give him a big ol hug. Write him letters that were full of all kinds of bizarre things. (remember I didn’t know this guy!) I would do this all in front of her. It was horrible.

It must have worked because they broke up. I don’t know when they broke up or what the particulars were. I know my husband was going into boot camp and he asked me if I would write to him. I thought, ok. Big deal. Couple a letters to some guy. Gives me cool street cred to say I’m writing to some guy in the Marines. (hey when your 15 you take what you can get!) That’s when it all started. The letters.

We wrote to each other for thirteen weeks.. the whole summer. I wrote about day to day stuff. Going to the beach, spending the night at friends, having a great time. He wrote about boot camp and everything he was experiencing there. I talked my mom into taking me down to MCRD for visitors day and for graduation. BOY was I the third wheel. Seems my husbands girl friend, was best friends forever with my husbands step brother’s girlfriend. OUUUCCCHHH! He invited me though.. so you know. it was cool. But.. his family clearly did not want me there.

A lot of little details later..he went off to school in the desert about two hours drive away. He sent me letters and cassette tapes of songs. That’s really how we courted each other. Music. All different types of music. I still have some of those tapes. (I wonder if I could convert them to cd.. )

We waited a very long time to become intimate. Unlike what everyone thought. (okay.. we should have waited until we were married. But, we were heathens and really had no moral compass or backgrounds) We used every available birth control method we could get our hands on. Of course not abstinence, but you know. (pill and condoms together at the same time!) We got pregnant about four months into us starting all this fooling around. Guess the pills don’t always work, and you don’t find that out until a condom breaks. We were married five days before my 17th birthday. I’m now 38… we’re still married.

It hasn’t been the Cleavers by no means. OOOH that first couple of years we tried to kill each other. Verbally at least. He’s never thumped on me and I’ve never thumped on him. We grew up together. Really. He is the baby in his family and I’m the oldest girl. What does that tell you? He’s selfish and I’m stubborn. It works for us.

Our son he turned out pretty good all things considering. At 14 he was diagnosed with bi-polar manic depression. He has tried to commit suicide three times. Accidental interrupted overdose once. (he was trying to get high that time.. not kill himself) He will be 21 in May. He’s beautiful. Intelligent. stubborn and selfish. We raised him. He’s what we get.

Our daughter is eight. She’s very likely going to be bi polar manic depressive. We’re prepared this time. Or at least I am.

Had we known that our son was going to have this illness we never would have had our daughter. You read that absolutely how I meant to say it. There is no clever turn of phrase here. No nicer way to put that. This particular disease sucks my ass. If he had cancer you know what to expect. This you don’t. It is the disease of the unknown. With the way families like to keep secrets.. we didn’t know this was in his family. It’s not in mine. We get cancer and heart disease and diabetes and that kinda crap. His.. are all ready to be locked in the fucking nut house. Self medicating douche bags who keep it all a fucking secret. Assholes.

Now that we have our girl.. we wouldn’t trade her for anything. Does she show signs of this? Yes. Everyday. Are we handling them? he isn’t I am. He can’t. I get that. Do I like it? hell no. Can I change it? Nope. Will I be the only one at the hospital if she decides to kill herself? yes. It will only be me. again. and again. and again. Do I blame him? No. When he went in the hospital for a week (the husband) I was the only there for that as well. The family thought I would leave. Because they are weak, they thought I would leave. right. Til death do you part fucker. He wasn’t dead. He was broken. Now he’s mended.. with elmer’s glue and a little duct tape. But mended.

so.. we go on. we break the statistics we should be on oprah! Teen marriages that actually work! ha ha wouldn’t that be hilarious.

We go on.. with trust love and prayer.. lots of prayers.

Moral Compass

I have been trying to word this for a few days now. I haven’t been able to find the way I want it to come out so that I don’ t sound any more like a callous asshole then I normally do.

This may be a bit disjointed and I hope the point comes across. I just can’t have this floating around in my head any longer. It’s causing me distress.

My daughter will be making her first communion very soon. This is a huge deal for my husband and I. We are converts from Heathen. We made our Sacraments all on the same day during Easter Vigil. (’98 and ‘99 respectively). Our daughter is the first in our family who is doing things the old fashioned way. Baptized as a baby (she was baptized at 4wks 5 days old on Baptism of the Lord) now making her First Communion on Divine Mercy Sunday. She will be making her Confirmation in high school. Hopefully to be married in front of the alter as an adult woman.

The parent’s meeting I attended recently on this topic was a nightmare. Parents wanting the whole thing to take place in the gymnasium of the school. Commenting on their child not receiving the wine (too many germs), which if you truly believe in the transubstantiation that takes place on the alter, that is no  longer the wine at the last supper, it is the blood of Christ.  Just a lot of stupid asinine comments made during the meeting that made me want to scream at these people. THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!! ITS ABOUT YOUR CHILD! My own sister in law won’t be attending. It seems its more important for her to attend to her Divine Mercy Ministry then to attend the First Communion of her niece.  Which in my opinion.. Divine Mercy comes every year, my daughter only makes her FIRST communion one time. After that it becomes her Second and her Third etc….

But, I digress a small bit. I believe my husband and I have made a concerted effort to raise our daughter in such a way as to promote her as a person of worth. She is no mini sex kitten, just waiting to blossom into woman hood. She’s a little eight year old girl who is in love with her kitties and puppies and likes to ride bikes, and roller skates. Plays dress up and checkers. Likes to make cookies and mud pies. Play with baby dolls and foot balls. She can shoot a bb gun (pretty accurately I might add) and jump rope like a fiend. She is a little girl. She doesn’t watch pg movies. She doesn’t wear clothing that inappropriate for her age. (by that I include clothing designed for a grown woman, yet cut in the size of a child) I am fiercely protective of her childhood. She yearns for the toys and things the other parents allow their children. I tell her often.. enjoy being a child.. you are a grown up for a lot longer.

Where is your compass? Is it pointed where it should be? Do you have your priorities straight? Think about it…. if you were standing in front of God.. would you be proud of how you lead your life? Seriously?

Because you know what, I know even though I have been forgiven, I still would be ashamed. I don’t do the best I could at all times. I falter and I stumble.. and I stand up and brush my self off and try to do better. If I were to die now, this minute.. I would be embarrassed.

Lent is coming.. that is a great way to fine tune……. more to come.